what's better than an evening spent dancing!!!!

really there are very few evenings spent better than evenings spent dancing...
ok evenings spent dancing with great friends...

i think someone up thr is pretty happy with me... i spent an utterly amazing weekend in Mcleodganj..... went trekking... but the best part spent a night in a quiet little place... as in the place that we stayed at is somewhere on a mountain... from there you could see mountains a valley and all the stars... believe me all of them... and it was as quiet as you could hope for... naa i am not even trying to describe it.... can think of no adjectives.... and after that night a very tiring trek (i need to become more healthy!) and it was scenic... and today it was dancing with great ol friends.... what else can i ask from life?

hehe ironic.. a part of the night was spent discussing free will/ God/ and how i am agnostic and in the blog i say "someone up thr"!! Lady be consistent!!!

a walk without walking!

Last night was reading this book.. the protagonist(Sylvester) is sad... the kind of sad when you despair... he has gone to drop sopmeone home.. after dropping them he asks his carriage(yeah the book was set in that era.. the before cars era) to leave for his home because he prefers to walk back... he wants to get some air and may be think a little ... relieve himslef of all that is clogging his head (or is it supposed to be heart).. i felt like taking a walk myself.. i had left work pretty late last nite... close to midnight... for some really serious things that had happened in the development environment... although the issue was serious but just the thought that we had reached the why of the thing (although the fixing would be major work and lots of person days lost) was a good one.. i was happy at the end of the day... relieved... not really happy but just content may be... not even content hassle less is more the word if you know what i mean... i could still enter into Vester's feelings... and just reading the novel made me want to go for a walk... by this time it would easliy have been 1.30ish 2...the weather was good... its very hot these days during the day... very very hot (you know chandigarh summers!) but the night was pleasant.. a slight wind was blowing.. the wind at night wasnt hot... it was the perfect weather for a walk.. only it was too late in the night.... i debated whether to go out at this hour... decided against it... felt bad for deciding against it... so i had that walk in my head... in front of my home is the side wall of a school and if i walk along the road for a few steps at less than half a minutes walk is a children's park... i dont like taking a walk in the park... it has proper paths for walking and all but taking a walk loses its charm for me when it's done on a "walk/jog path" it's like doing touristy things when you go to a tourist destination... you can only may be do them once in 10 vacations you take..... so i walked along the park but on the road... the wind was ruffling my hair... there was an ipod playing songs actually the songs were in the background.. light music not loud and definitely not "in" my ears... it was in the background... the volume where its not necessary to hear it... but you can tune into it and may be hear a line and realise you havent really heard it in the thousand times you have heard the song... that volume.... ear phones/ head phones are never really that perfect volume... there was no one around... because it was late... everything was dark but lit by the moon and stars above (which were visible.. no light pollution here!!) there were crickets making noice somewhere... there was definitely the sound of wind in leaves and there was me walking in the midst a stranger amongst freinds... an intruder.... but the beauty is nature welcomes all... it welcomed me as well... i kept walking... my mind thinking... the wind causing a few goose bumps... i thought about sylvester and his grief... the kind which would stay with him for ever... the kind that makes you feel physically hurt.... the kind that just wrenches your gut... i thought about having felt that kind of grief... it seems so long back ago now... all those moments seem so long back ago now.... then it felt as if i would never be able to recover from it... i have.. have come out of it... may be altered... but definitely not scarred... now i can look back at it without skipping a heart beat... now i can think of it as a third person... then i was not able to... now i can be rationale and see why it happened and see how it really had to happen... and why it really is for the good that it happened... i have the benefit of hindsight now... if i could see all that i can see now back then i wouldn't have felt that much pain... then i could have given anything to lessen my pain... now i am just glad nothing did lessen that pain... i dont know why i am glad but i am... may be if i hadnt felt it that one sentence "i will walk home" wouldnt have stirred me.... may be if i hadn't felt it i wouldnt have taken this walk... and i definitely wouldnt have smiled now looking back at it.... that was a hard part of my life... but its over now... and i am glad its over... but also glad it happened.... i wonder where would i be if it hadn't... but i know whereever that was it wouldnt have been a place i liked... life would have been a mess.... or may be not... its just conjecture.... a thought just stuck my mind.. i have been blabbering for so long... so long.. i have been writing ... when i write i feel i am talking to someone... but the beauty is when i started talking (read writing) i was in my room then i went for a walk... and then without even realising at one point i moved from the road near my house to a coffee shop with one of my friends with me... both of us quiet and me talking... as in when you talk... there is one story which continues but it isnt told in one stretch.. .its told in breaks... breaks between silences... both of you are silent... and then you say something and both of you are silent again... not even to fill the silences or the gaps in the silences... but even in the comfortable silences... i dont know how often you have these conversations.... the silent ones but with a few words interpersed.... well anyway so now i am in this coffee shop... both of us are silent... and i am telling her my story.... telling it to her not because she doesn't know it... she knows it... she was with me when i was going through it ... she helped me go through it... but she wasnt physically present when this happened... i just had to tell her in person... not what happened.... that's immaterial and insignificant... but whatever is coming to my mind... the things that i wrote above... we are talking... she is just listening... she sometimes pitches in a nod or a hmm.... or an anecdote of her own... but she is listening.... we are sipping coffee we are talking... it's an ideal evening... no world exists outside the 2 of us... for that moment its just a friend i need... for that moment nothing else matters.... and i say.. you know it doesnt even matter... she smiles... how we loved this song... remember on the last day we painted it on the canteen wall... oh do you remember writing our names thr... how hard it was to leave college... do you remember the way we would sit on the hostel stairs or roof and keep on talking... about everything inconsequential which was somehow always a life altering event... oh and do you remember the 1st time we took the stereo to the roof and the whole hassle of finding where to plug it.... just because listening to "agar hum kahein aur woh muskuraa dein" was meant to be done only on the roof top... the song cannot be confined in the room walls!!! God! what was that!!! hahahahahaha... kitne funny the hum... and oh do you remember the birthdays and the 12o clock cakes... and oh the tarbooz party which we would call the Booze party!!! and what about the time we asked someone to give a lift to our tarbooz!! that has to be the most hilarious single event in the entire 4 years.... or may be the time we sent that bouquet and everyone called on the fake number... his face when he realised what had hit him!!! of dont you remember the rang rang mere rang rang mein.... and baaaabbboooooji zara dheere chalo.... yeah ... remember all that... but what i remember the most is we promised... promised to stay together... you do the laundry i do the cooking and he does the bartan and we rotate... and we are all in one city.... yeah remember that most of all... and one day we will do that.... we definitely will.... thats a promise... but for now i have to get back home... and you have to too.... a real hug... real one... an unseen tear... and its bye... till next time....

A spring in my step.. A song in my heart...

Tujhe kya gham tera rishta gagan ki baansuri(??) se hai ... sooraj ki roshni se hai......chandaa ki chaandni se hai...
udiyo naa dariyo kar manmaani manmaani manmaani
badhiyooooooo naa mudiyoo kar naadaani....

have been "mumming" this song since morning... even when other songs were playing in the car... oh that reminds me i put one of my fav cds and the player returned a "Read error" God it's disheartening... so i almost started the day on a "broken heart" but I am happy today,...
and i know why too (if you happy and u know it and u really want to show it... tap some keys ;-) )
well i left office early last nite... early as in 6.30ish... it felt good... when i left there was still light in the sky... the air was the nice cool march evening air.. not too hot not too cold... and it was blowing in a very serene pace... as if the whole purpose of the air was to soothe you to calm you... to make you feel everything is allright with the world... on the days when i am home like weekends... i like sitting outside in the lawn in evenings... may be read sth or listen to music or just sit... its nice... there is something in the evening air that makes me feel good... and now that i am talking about it i can remeber that mom would never let us sleep in the evenings, her exact words "jad do wele milde hain udon taan bimaar wi uth ke baith jaande hain", and try to send us out... i am sure its because of the "soothing" and "detox" (these days if you have to sell anything... even if it is evening air you have to use such words! believe you me!) effects the evening air has on a person.
Well anyway, not selling evening air.. i left office early last night.... felt good... although by the time i reached home it was already dark... you know how it is with evenings... they only last that long... especially after the sun has started setting... but i aint complaining... well after i reached home i felt good too.... i had all the time in the world... all the time... i felt relaxed... i realised a few hours extra sleep in the morning aint as good as a few hours extra in the evening (ok late evening) ... and those who know me would realise how big a confession is this for me... or may be i am just getting old.. ok older ;-)
but yeah the long and short of it is i felt good because i left office at a decent hour... i think i will try doing that more often now... leave early come early... after all it's my life... 5 years after now i dont want to feel all the time i had was never mine... this despite of me liking my work (no i am not just saying this )

so here i am singing ghar tera saloni... baadal ki colony... dikhlaade thenga un sab ko jo udnaa naa jaane jaane jaane.... and i am sure ppl around my cube are by now irritated... and being a "good" human being i should shut up./.. aah i think i would just mute myself and keep singing it in my head...
like the "a spring in my step and a song in my heart" mood that i am in today :-)

Cheers!

Ghar tera saloni Baadal ki colony....

....dikhlade thenga un sabko jo udnaa naa jaane!

I had a bad day at work today for no real reason.. other than the system being extremely slow... and i mean EXXTREMEELY slow during the later half of the day.. in fact past few days life at work's a bit sad... sad as in I am no longer smiling while working... there is something missing... not with work but at work.. i dont know what it is... and then i spent the whole of today feeling "not happy from within"... despite getting a very very good news in the evening (one of my BESTEST friends got a call from a B school!!)
well despite this.. i was sad... i was really happy fr her... really really happy... and when i was talking with her i forgot everything else... all my worries everything... but it all came back as soon as i hung up.. and i dont even know what the "IT" was....
while driving back i drove fast.. i "cruised".. i put loud music... i put slow music.... i was trying to forget something i didnt know i remembered... i was trying to "take out my anger on the road... on the city"... i was trying to feel a part of the city... make the city a part of me... get lost in it... like so many people are ... lost in the city without feeling anything... busy with their lives... not bothering enough... not bothering about anything... not things like recession...or the sri lankan team.. they make me sad but not from deep within... things like ... like... things you cant identify... things that make you "word less" things that are so small that you dont even know they are thr... things like calling up a friend and not being able to fix a time to meet him/her in one full week... things like a friend coming all the way from far far away to meet you... and you feeling incomplete when they leave... because you still hadn't talked enough...... because thr coming only made you realise what you are missing..... things like a system so slow that it might as well not be working... things like a vibe.... things like a phone out of reach... things like a fav photograph deleted "by mistake"...
things like not writing in a blog... for months... because in all these months i didnt feel enough....
all these things... they get messed up in your system... they mess you up... they leave a bad after taste... leave you wondering... you really cant do nothing.. can you??? you cant create time you cant "will" a phone into network... you cant... and its not really that big a deal... seriously it's all very small things all inconsequential... really really inconsequential... but try telling yourself that... because you dont even know what made you sad at the first place.. because you are just thinking all this now that you force yourself to think... otherwise its nothing... you know its nothing....

i was supposed to get fuel on the way back... i even took out cash for that... but i forgot! i simply forgot!! and almost reached home with an empty tank... old age that?

PS: Is being sensitive about getting hurt easily or about being careful not to hurt others?

PPS: i saw "62 posts" that was my roll number in college... i love the number...

all sleep no coffee

There was this day in office when there was no coffee.... no coffee in the vending machine... there is no coffee shop near office where you can just go pick your coffee and come back... you have to go there.... pass pleasant nothings .... order coffee... have it and come back.. Europe style... you are not supposed to be in a hurry.... you are supposed to do everything slowly.... enjoy it while you do it... which you can't do on a break from work..... Because there are only 24 hours in a day and there is loads of work to be done!!
End of story there is no other option for having coffee than the vending machine(i used to hate vending machine coffee before i came here... never had it.... but see what no options does to a person) and the vending machine is broken! Imagine my plight... i walk up to the vending machine... I press the button on the menu and it says something in French (on the microscule display) which I understood must mean "cannot dispense" this after pressing the button some 10 times.... then I selected another drink... again the same French phrase which i am assuming to mean u know what... well after selecting a few more drinks in a priorit-ical order and getting the same response I realized there was something majorly wrong with the machine and it wasn't just those one or 2 drinks....
I came back to my seat all sleepy eyed but with loads of work waiting for me.... and that too with the knowledge that there might be no coffee throughout the day... there was a small ray of hope... that hope against hope... that may be.... but deep inside I knew... there would be no coffee today... and I had to live with it... go to the VM a few more time... only to return empty handed... but go nonetheless... may be the VM Gods are happy and bless me with a few coffees... after all you never know when you get sweet rewards! but no it wasn't that sweet a day that day I spent the entire day without coffee... and the day after that....
Now that i have set the perspective the mind frame that i was in i will continue with what i really wanted to say... i was working and thinking what is the value add my work gives me (of course it gives me financial value add).... why am i working.... on the same technology for last so many years... why cant i quit and do sweet nothings all day... something like wake up in the morning.... make a nice cup of coffee.. sip it while reading the newspaper... worry about world in general... talk about how everything is going wrong while looking at my garden and watering my plants... removing dead leaves from one sprinkling water on petals of another... look at light being reflected from the droplets... make breakfast... take a nice long warm water bath... eat breakfast which is still magically warm.... now go out do some necessary grocery shopping or the other boring things... come back... teach some poor kids to read... who obviously come daily and love coming to my place.... then its time for lunch... make lunch.. have lunch... now bake a few things... smell the cakes.... the smell of hot cakes… the taste… and ofcourse there will be cookies…and coffee and tea and what not……

Anyway… so much for a fantasy now to real work and ABAP!

you gotta work hard

They say things in life don’t come easy… they say nothing comes easy…. They say you got to work at everything…. Everything from real work to fun… from life to relationships… you got to work hard…. Sometimes I wonder why can’t I stay the way I am…. in my comfort zone… not come out… stay here…. What makes me come out of my comfort zone… fear of what future might being… fear of what I may have to face then and prepare myself now… why prepare myself now… why work hard now… why not wait for the future to become the present and work hard then… may be it wouldn’t be that bad… I am just taking other people’s word or my extrapolation that it will be hard… or that things will change…. Who knows they will or they won’t…. if they do may be I will have to work extra hard…. But I will be doing it for a surety not for a surmise or for a may be or for other people’s experiences…. It will be for me… for my present for my now… who cares about what future brings…. For all I know I might not be here for the future I am preparing for…. Because frankly, you cannot trust anybody or anything… not even yourself…. Because right when you think you have it all figured out a small change in someone’s life changes everything in yours…. That is if you still have a life… I don’t know what I want from life…. And sometimes I don’t want nothing from life no more… and then I question life…. And then I look at people who have had real hard lives and think why can’t I be thankful… but then I am unable to …. And then I wonder…. I wonder do I deserve all the nice things in life… do I deserve life if I am not even thankful for it…. I wonder and I ask myself….. I question myself…. And I keep on living…. The way I have lived…. And do u know what the sad part is I don’t know if I live this way because I want to or because I am expected to… and this is what really pisses me off…. Not believing that I am really living life on my own terms…. And I want to run away to a life I don’t know to people I don’t know… so that finally I find somewhere I belong…. The nowhere……. Because right now I don’t think I belong where I am…. Because right now I don’t want to belong where I am…. Right now I want to have the courage to break free… to speak my mind to follow my heart to be a free bird…. To be away from everything…..

I don’t want to work on a regular job… may be just have enough to survive…. Quit everything…. Work as a waitress in a small unknown town may be…. Only after I have blown up all the money I have…. Only after I have absolute necessity to work… then work again as something…. Someone… a librarian a helper in a shop…. Work hard for sometime save and then blow it all up on a pendant that I like just at that moment and even when looking at it I know that I wouldn’t like it the next day.. but nto even think about it and blow up all my salary(if I can call it that) on it… that’s what I want right now…. To be not sensible… to be not mature… to be arbit… to be someone beyond logic… to be someone who really follows their heart… because what’s there in the world if there is not heart…. And what’s the fun of living if it is not for your heart…. I know I can convince my heart…. But do I really want a convinced heart????????? Till then can I really say “apna jeena to hai jeena…. Tashan mein tashan mein tashan mein tashan mein…”

Even when I am writing it I know it sounds more romantic on paper than it really is… but this is exactly what I don’t want… to be sensible…. to know things…. To feel the right and wrong…. Talk about a paradox!

geneva convention

My grandma does not know how to read (or write) English. When I was a kid I always used to wonder how she felt not able to read anything, everywhere you go in India things are written in English, be it the label on a jam bottle or the cooking instructions on a Maggi pack (I wonder how she knew how to make Maggi ) or be it the currency value on a note (she can differentiate between the currency notes though!)
I used to wonder how she felt; now I don’t anymore, thanks to Geneva (read it as Genève try the best French accent you can). Everything here is in French, the people the labels the currency the public announcements everything, sometimes I feel even the wind is so French it does not talk to me. I feel so strange, I can’t even pick up on random discussions happening on around me anymore. Do you know what is the worst part, the worst part is the keyboard! It types in English all right, but it is a French keyboard, which means what was supposed to be a ‘Z’ is a ‘Y’ and which means my mails now read ‘Hi, how are zou?’ and it also means I have to spend a good 30 seconds searching for a single quote on the keyboard!
All said and done, things aren’t so bleak here. There are farms filled with sunflowers next to office, infact these days its flowers everywhere, on the roads, on the roundabouts (reminds me of Chandigarh) on the window sills, everywhere! And what’s more, these guys know their perfumes (even outside FIRMENICH), their chocolates and their desserts. And what’s more I know the French for chocolate too  (‘Chocolat‘; in case u were wondering! ). Here’s to French, the French and the Lindt Orange dark bar lying on my table, room temperature the way I like it!