clear my head!

I love to do nothing at all... by nothing at all i don't mean nothing at all.. i mean i love to do nothing "consequential"... just bum around and think....

Windows aint perfect after all!!

I have lost all my faith in Windows today!!

A blank page

I open the blog and stare at it... it's just a blank sheet of paper... i can make it into whatever i like....

Conversations in the head...

Ever since I started blogging, there are so many times that I have conversations in my head... I love to talk.... and sometimes I think of something to say and then think it's silly to say it...

Here there everywhere

i am sitting in a bar kind of a place... Not really a bar... A place you can 'hangout' at... It has a bar counter few pool tables and a few game machines and of course big screens showing football! We are a group of 5 so I am sitting here listening to music while my friends play a round... And of course i am blogging... Am thinking about the day that was today... Had a nice day... Woke up not so late... Vacuum-ed... Had a good lunch at a friend's place... Came back cleaned the appartment... In the evening went for a walk at the lakeside... Laughed at a few things i picked up from people's conversation.... Thought about the fact there is no one i could share the joke with... Thankfully a friend smsed at the same time i told him the 'joke' we laughed together over sms... He was sitting by a riverside reading a book having a beer and we were having this pseudo conversation... Right then i was with him... We lughed together i was there with him in another country.... I was here with my colleagues havin an ice cream... Followed by a coffee (eeeks!) sitting by the lake side... Thinking about another friend... He happens to have his birthday today... We have shared some nice times here in Geneva.... We have talked about everything... By the lakeside... While shopping while eating... After work... How I hated he was a colleague... There are somethings you can't tell someone you know from work... Specially considering the work relation we shared... Funny today also happens to be the day we arent colleagues anymore... I am thinking am I glad he is not my colleaue aymore? Am I sad? I don't know... But would have been great if he could be both at the same time!
Sitting in this place with earphones in my ears i cant really hear the outside noise... I can see these people i have been with for quite sometime play... from their body language i can guess what they would be saying... I am sitting here... Smiling... Thinking about knowing them... Been a long time.... So many people you spend time with when you are together and when u leave u leave... But there are people you can never leave....and there are people you think you have left... but you haven't.... You think this is the last time you are meeting them... After all you live in the real world... Keep in touch is limited to mails gtalk facebook and then after sometime not even that... I like facing this reality at the time of saying bye.... No use fooling myself.... But tell u what... Life is always smarter than you... You say your good byes and then you meet six years later on a trip from Geneva to Genova... I was soo sure 6 years ago was the real goodbye..... But no!
You are going swimming in the morning and another 'goodbye' messages you... What made u wake up that early!! Seems like my goodbyes are never good eough.... Or am i just plain simple lucky.... There are people I was sure I will meet again... And now 7 years and I haven't met them... Not once.... Don't know if i ever will.... That's for time to tell but i wish i had said my goodbye then may be that would have made me meet them.... If not at least i wouldn't be waititng....
Today was a day i could have sat at the lake and introspected... Thought about people... Around me with me.... Picked up on their conv..... Smiled... Somehow whatever happens around u, if you try hard enough, you can associate an incident of your life with it... For me i dont have to try i automatically map it to my life... Even if by a bleak link... I do..... I can sit at a place and watch people for endless hours.... People are interesting they always come with stories..... Interesting ones at that.... Those teenage girls at the cafe... So 'loudly' dodging a guy.... Kids! What can you say.... That tired mom scolding her kid and the kid brother comforting the kid sis later.... Dont think either of 'em will remember it.... I will.... For a long time.... Can't say life time... You know how life is a 'heatless bitch' but i love it all the same.... For all it's games it's interesting.....

When Google failed me....

You know how google knows everything.... everything from the lyrics of that song that you remember just one line from... to when winter olympics are ending... or have they already ended?? These guys even remember the 333rd birthday of an arbit guy and "create" a logo after him ... many a times a guy i haven't heard about till i scroll on the "google" logo... and they commemorate him... after all everyone should be commemorated on their 333rd birthday! Every time i have a doubt in my mind what is the first thing i do? I google it, of course... was the women's bill passed? Answer : Google; how to get to Augustin from Meyrin? Answer: Google; what is the average height of women in India (After a friend argues a woman 5'5" tall is short-normal as opposed to my opinion of tall-normal ) I know if i have a question.. Google will have the answer... it does...
Apparently not anymore... seems like i dont have innocent questions anymore... Google does not tell me what to do if i realise the dessert I my vegetarian friend is really looking forward to eat has egg... I am in a big dilemna google doesn't know the answer... for a fact... like it knows the answer to when winter olympics are ending...
when i want to know do i really want this in life... google doesn't know the answer again... Do i want to face it as a challenge and do it anyway or realise i dont want to do it and back off... am i telling myself i dont want to do it because its hard to do or is it because i really dont want to do it... i ask this to google it gives me about "9,480,00" hits... i dont think anything is useful considering the first hit is "American Psycho(2000) memorable quotes"...
I think google isnt really what i thought in my mind it was... i thought it had all answers.... but today i realised it has none... I am facing a mid life crisis, google doesn't know what to do about it... although it does clearly define mid life crisis for me...
My boy friend ditches me and its his birthday today Google doesn't know if i should wish him... but it does know of stories of what people did on the 1st birthday after break up...
but what is interesting is... if you google a real life problem, google does give you hits... an in-numberable number of hits,... and without fail there will be some hits that interest you... and you will start reading those... and from there to something else to something else to something else... till the time you start reading about Iraq war completely forgetting about the ex and the birthday and having a good time.... In a way that's google's answer to your problem... it doesnot tell you what to do... but in a way makes you do it... that is forget about your problems...

So did google really fail me???? Well Noo!!!!!

You enjoying working with us?

I am walking to the elevator, have to go down to debug something, apparently I debgged the same issue last May. I do remember i did it, only because of the people i interacted with.. I remember the interactions but the pure non work part of it... I remember we had solved it... and I moved on... the mail tells me i had found out the root cause.. same issue now, someone wants me to confirm why is the issue still occuring... yes you can say i am where I was an year ago... my professional life hasn't moved even a single bit... I have reached a point where this doesn't hurt anymore... but that's besides the point... that's not why I had started writing at the first place... let me restart...
There is an issue and I have to go down to debug... I meet my boss on the way down... I dont know if he is my boss... but I dont mind saying that... no ego/self respect whatsoever... i can very easily call him my client counterpart... I think role definition wise that is what he is.... But i dont mind.. it doesn't really matter... he is a good guy.. i like working with him... he is still alive.. manages to joke all the time... so I was in the elevator with him... and as usual we were joking around... and he asks me, "so you enjoy working in this project" i was taken aback... but i smile and answer politely "yesss" and the elevator ride came to an end... (Geneva is not really a place of high rise buildings!) but i am still in the "taken aback" stage... i try to remember last time one of my "bosses" asked me do I enjoy working? I dont think anyone ever did.... No... For that matter I dont even remember asking people who report to me, if they enjoy working in the project... I often tell them the importance of liking what they are doing... of enjoying working on ABAP... but i dont remember if i ever asked them if they enjoy it... may be i should... may be a huge percent will reply politely like i replied politely today... do i enjoy working? i can say without guilt, i used to... I used to sing while working... that is how much i liked it... once upon a time... i remember trying to tell my boss how i dont enjoy working anymore... i dont know if he understood what i meant... i think he took it to mean i need more responsibility... i think i have more responsibility today... but is it the responsibility i like? is it the responsibility i wanted? i dont know... who knows... well i know... but u know what .. i am not one to run away or crib... not that i dont crib... but i believe that all my cribs are my problems and i have to find a solution to them... and i have found a solution to my current problems.... but what is more important is i have decided not to be bothered too much by them... i mean i do my best... i really do... and thats the best i can... so if certain things dont get sorted out with it... then thats it... well on second thoughts i dont know if i do my best... i dont even know what my best is.. afterall can you really do your best when you aren't even enjoying what you are doing... and who knows... everyone has the calibre to surprise themselves with thr achievements... may be i will one day... but for now after a long time i know what i have to do... and that is be happy and ........

PS: Thanks Monsieur for that nasty mail... it was an epiphany!!