you gotta work hard

They say things in life don’t come easy… they say nothing comes easy…. They say you got to work at everything…. Everything from real work to fun… from life to relationships… you got to work hard…. Sometimes I wonder why can’t I stay the way I am…. in my comfort zone… not come out… stay here…. What makes me come out of my comfort zone… fear of what future might being… fear of what I may have to face then and prepare myself now… why prepare myself now… why work hard now… why not wait for the future to become the present and work hard then… may be it wouldn’t be that bad… I am just taking other people’s word or my extrapolation that it will be hard… or that things will change…. Who knows they will or they won’t…. if they do may be I will have to work extra hard…. But I will be doing it for a surety not for a surmise or for a may be or for other people’s experiences…. It will be for me… for my present for my now… who cares about what future brings…. For all I know I might not be here for the future I am preparing for…. Because frankly, you cannot trust anybody or anything… not even yourself…. Because right when you think you have it all figured out a small change in someone’s life changes everything in yours…. That is if you still have a life… I don’t know what I want from life…. And sometimes I don’t want nothing from life no more… and then I question life…. And then I look at people who have had real hard lives and think why can’t I be thankful… but then I am unable to …. And then I wonder…. I wonder do I deserve all the nice things in life… do I deserve life if I am not even thankful for it…. I wonder and I ask myself….. I question myself…. And I keep on living…. The way I have lived…. And do u know what the sad part is I don’t know if I live this way because I want to or because I am expected to… and this is what really pisses me off…. Not believing that I am really living life on my own terms…. And I want to run away to a life I don’t know to people I don’t know… so that finally I find somewhere I belong…. The nowhere……. Because right now I don’t think I belong where I am…. Because right now I don’t want to belong where I am…. Right now I want to have the courage to break free… to speak my mind to follow my heart to be a free bird…. To be away from everything…..

I don’t want to work on a regular job… may be just have enough to survive…. Quit everything…. Work as a waitress in a small unknown town may be…. Only after I have blown up all the money I have…. Only after I have absolute necessity to work… then work again as something…. Someone… a librarian a helper in a shop…. Work hard for sometime save and then blow it all up on a pendant that I like just at that moment and even when looking at it I know that I wouldn’t like it the next day.. but nto even think about it and blow up all my salary(if I can call it that) on it… that’s what I want right now…. To be not sensible… to be not mature… to be arbit… to be someone beyond logic… to be someone who really follows their heart… because what’s there in the world if there is not heart…. And what’s the fun of living if it is not for your heart…. I know I can convince my heart…. But do I really want a convinced heart????????? Till then can I really say “apna jeena to hai jeena…. Tashan mein tashan mein tashan mein tashan mein…”

Even when I am writing it I know it sounds more romantic on paper than it really is… but this is exactly what I don’t want… to be sensible…. to know things…. To feel the right and wrong…. Talk about a paradox!