Wednesday, September 1, 2010

clear my head!

I love to do nothing at all... by nothing at all i don't mean nothing at all.. i mean i love to do nothing "consequential"... just bum around and think....

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

A blank page

I open the blog and stare at it... it's just a blank sheet of paper... i can make it into whatever i like....

Monday, June 7, 2010

Conversations in the head...

Ever since I started blogging, there are so many times that I have conversations in my head... I love to talk.... and sometimes I think of something to say and then think it's silly to say it...

Monday, April 19, 2010

Here there everywhere

i am sitting in a bar kind of a place... Not really a bar... A place you can 'hangout' at... It has a bar counter few pool tables and a few game machines and of course big screens showing football! We are a group of 5 so I am sitting here listening to music while my friends play a round... And of course i am blogging... Am thinking about the day that was today... Had a nice day... Woke up not so late... Vacuum-ed... Had a good lunch at a friend's place... Came back cleaned the appartment... In the evening went for a walk at the lakeside... Laughed at a few things i picked up from people's conversation.... Thought about the fact there is no one i could share the joke with... Thankfully a friend smsed at the same time i told him the 'joke' we laughed together over sms... He was sitting by a riverside reading a book having a beer and we were having this pseudo conversation... Right then i was with him... We lughed together i was there with him in another country.... I was here with my colleagues havin an ice cream... Followed by a coffee (eeeks!) sitting by the lake side... Thinking about another friend... He happens to have his birthday today... We have shared some nice times here in Geneva.... We have talked about everything... By the lakeside... While shopping while eating... After work... How I hated he was a colleague... There are somethings you can't tell someone you know from work... Specially considering the work relation we shared... Funny today also happens to be the day we arent colleagues anymore... I am thinking am I glad he is not my colleaue aymore? Am I sad? I don't know... But would have been great if he could be both at the same time!
Sitting in this place with earphones in my ears i cant really hear the outside noise... I can see these people i have been with for quite sometime play... from their body language i can guess what they would be saying... I am sitting here... Smiling... Thinking about knowing them... Been a long time.... So many people you spend time with when you are together and when u leave u leave... But there are people you can never leave....and there are people you think you have left... but you haven't.... You think this is the last time you are meeting them... After all you live in the real world... Keep in touch is limited to mails gtalk facebook and then after sometime not even that... I like facing this reality at the time of saying bye.... No use fooling myself.... But tell u what... Life is always smarter than you... You say your good byes and then you meet six years later on a trip from Geneva to Genova... I was soo sure 6 years ago was the real goodbye..... But no!
You are going swimming in the morning and another 'goodbye' messages you... What made u wake up that early!! Seems like my goodbyes are never good eough.... Or am i just plain simple lucky.... There are people I was sure I will meet again... And now 7 years and I haven't met them... Not once.... Don't know if i ever will.... That's for time to tell but i wish i had said my goodbye then may be that would have made me meet them.... If not at least i wouldn't be waititng....
Today was a day i could have sat at the lake and introspected... Thought about people... Around me with me.... Picked up on their conv..... Smiled... Somehow whatever happens around u, if you try hard enough, you can associate an incident of your life with it... For me i dont have to try i automatically map it to my life... Even if by a bleak link... I do..... I can sit at a place and watch people for endless hours.... People are interesting they always come with stories..... Interesting ones at that.... Those teenage girls at the cafe... So 'loudly' dodging a guy.... Kids! What can you say.... That tired mom scolding her kid and the kid brother comforting the kid sis later.... Dont think either of 'em will remember it.... I will.... For a long time.... Can't say life time... You know how life is a 'heatless bitch' but i love it all the same.... For all it's games it's interesting.....

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

When Google failed me....

You know how google knows everything.... everything from the lyrics of that song that you remember just one line from... to when winter olympics are ending... or have they already ended?? These guys even remember the 333rd birthday of an arbit guy and "create" a logo after him ... many a times a guy i haven't heard about till i scroll on the "google" logo... and they commemorate him... after all everyone should be commemorated on their 333rd birthday! Every time i have a doubt in my mind what is the first thing i do? I google it, of course... was the women's bill passed? Answer : Google; how to get to Augustin from Meyrin? Answer: Google; what is the average height of women in India (After a friend argues a woman 5'5" tall is short-normal as opposed to my opinion of tall-normal ) I know if i have a question.. Google will have the answer... it does...
Apparently not anymore... seems like i dont have innocent questions anymore... Google does not tell me what to do if i realise the dessert I my vegetarian friend is really looking forward to eat has egg... I am in a big dilemna google doesn't know the answer... for a fact... like it knows the answer to when winter olympics are ending...
when i want to know do i really want this in life... google doesn't know the answer again... Do i want to face it as a challenge and do it anyway or realise i dont want to do it and back off... am i telling myself i dont want to do it because its hard to do or is it because i really dont want to do it... i ask this to google it gives me about "9,480,00" hits... i dont think anything is useful considering the first hit is "American Psycho(2000) memorable quotes"...
I think google isnt really what i thought in my mind it was... i thought it had all answers.... but today i realised it has none... I am facing a mid life crisis, google doesn't know what to do about it... although it does clearly define mid life crisis for me...
My boy friend ditches me and its his birthday today Google doesn't know if i should wish him... but it does know of stories of what people did on the 1st birthday after break up...
but what is interesting is... if you google a real life problem, google does give you hits... an in-numberable number of hits,... and without fail there will be some hits that interest you... and you will start reading those... and from there to something else to something else to something else... till the time you start reading about Iraq war completely forgetting about the ex and the birthday and having a good time.... In a way that's google's answer to your problem... it doesnot tell you what to do... but in a way makes you do it... that is forget about your problems...

So did google really fail me???? Well Noo!!!!!

Friday, March 5, 2010

You enjoying working with us?

I am walking to the elevator, have to go down to debug something, apparently I debgged the same issue last May. I do remember i did it, only because of the people i interacted with.. I remember the interactions but the pure non work part of it... I remember we had solved it... and I moved on... the mail tells me i had found out the root cause.. same issue now, someone wants me to confirm why is the issue still occuring... yes you can say i am where I was an year ago... my professional life hasn't moved even a single bit... I have reached a point where this doesn't hurt anymore... but that's besides the point... that's not why I had started writing at the first place... let me restart...
There is an issue and I have to go down to debug... I meet my boss on the way down... I dont know if he is my boss... but I dont mind saying that... no ego/self respect whatsoever... i can very easily call him my client counterpart... I think role definition wise that is what he is.... But i dont mind.. it doesn't really matter... he is a good guy.. i like working with him... he is still alive.. manages to joke all the time... so I was in the elevator with him... and as usual we were joking around... and he asks me, "so you enjoy working in this project" i was taken aback... but i smile and answer politely "yesss" and the elevator ride came to an end... (Geneva is not really a place of high rise buildings!) but i am still in the "taken aback" stage... i try to remember last time one of my "bosses" asked me do I enjoy working? I dont think anyone ever did.... No... For that matter I dont even remember asking people who report to me, if they enjoy working in the project... I often tell them the importance of liking what they are doing... of enjoying working on ABAP... but i dont remember if i ever asked them if they enjoy it... may be i should... may be a huge percent will reply politely like i replied politely today... do i enjoy working? i can say without guilt, i used to... I used to sing while working... that is how much i liked it... once upon a time... i remember trying to tell my boss how i dont enjoy working anymore... i dont know if he understood what i meant... i think he took it to mean i need more responsibility... i think i have more responsibility today... but is it the responsibility i like? is it the responsibility i wanted? i dont know... who knows... well i know... but u know what .. i am not one to run away or crib... not that i dont crib... but i believe that all my cribs are my problems and i have to find a solution to them... and i have found a solution to my current problems.... but what is more important is i have decided not to be bothered too much by them... i mean i do my best... i really do... and thats the best i can... so if certain things dont get sorted out with it... then thats it... well on second thoughts i dont know if i do my best... i dont even know what my best is.. afterall can you really do your best when you aren't even enjoying what you are doing... and who knows... everyone has the calibre to surprise themselves with thr achievements... may be i will one day... but for now after a long time i know what i have to do... and that is be happy and ........

PS: Thanks Monsieur for that nasty mail... it was an epiphany!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

To be innocent and Naive!!

Oh how great it is when your eyes are still opening to this world... when you dont know many things... when people's reactions come as shock to you... no i am not being arrogant and no i am not saying i know everything... but yet in somecases i know a lot more than i would like to.... i know without even looking that i dont have to worry about the estra IDOC getting created... its a config... and someone spent hours looking for it... is in office till late figuring out the why and what... i remember... when i started my career i spent half a day figuring out an issue which i was getting because i hadn't checked the "upper/lower case" check box... was my 2-3rd day on real work... it was great "figuring" that out... in a way i am glad no one came along and told me this... i remember discovering IDOCs for the first time... how the whole set up is done... how the data is transferred... creating an my 1st idoc... and then spending a few hours and not being able to figure out why is it still in 03... and then someone came along and told me you have to run a report to push it out.... she was a Godess... no one else could know soo much... i literally was in awe of her for soo long... she kne everything... and yet there were people who knew more than her... wasnt it amazing to work amidst such people....
somewhere along the line i lost all this... now i know the report to push idocs exists... even if i dont know its name... i atleast know it exists... even if i dont know for sure it exists i know for sure that there is a possibility it exists... this knowing of the possibility just kills the charm of finding out the report... simply kills it.... whats the charm of discovering something you know exists??
its like i am bored simply because i am a grown up... once upon a time a dolphin show would have amazed me... now i know its just conditioning.... how much charm would a magic show be if you already know what the tricks are???
how many times is a holiday destination not as much fun as it was on tv (well good for me i go for holidays not for the location but for the company and "lets do nothing")....
if only i was as innocent as i was 10 years ago... when the world was filled with people who loved me and would do things because it helped others despite it not benefitting them at all... innocence... something i miss... thank God for the Innocent smoothie though :-)... it never ceases to make me smile... not amaze me but atleast i smile... i dont know if you have had an "innocent" smoothie from the carton (not the small bottle but the 1 litre carton)... the smoothie is good ok... they say its made from real fruit and not concentrate and i believe them... but what i like specially is their box... the things they write on the box... in the ingredients for one particular smoothie they write "5 bananas, 20 strawberries, 20 grapes, half a mango etc etc etc 0 trumpets"... yes the instrument trumpet... 0... ofcourse i know it is silly... i dont expect trumpets in my smoothie... and yes it is useless to mention it i already know it... its obvious... but it is still fun reading it... and then there is one side which i like to call the free text side... till today i haven't seen 2 smoothie cartons with same free text... there was one which had a picture of pyramids on it and a text saying no link we just wanted to draw it and didnt know where... there was one carton which promised that the smoothie is made from real crushed fruit and not concentrate and does not contain preservative... and it said if i dodnt believe them i can go tell their moms!! there was one carton which had a monkey on it.. it said this is space every body needs space i need space u need space the monkey that went to space needed space... and even mango trees need space so that they can grow.... space enough for a tractor to pass between 2 trees for them to be healthy trees and eventually healthy fruit... and then there is the bottom of the bottle... usually there is one or 2 lines there... there was one bottle which had a few quotes about ends from a few famous people and a quote saying your smoothie ends here from innocent.... there was one which said "this smoothie contians no white barry only berries.. ok that was bad" ... :-) i expect to hear it on a talk show... not on my smoothie bottle... and just by doign this they have in me a faithful customer... i have to stop myself from reading what is on the carton the moment i buy it... i like reading it when i am having my smoothie... i have read the "with free language lessons" so many times.. .i read it everytime... i love the smoothie... more for its cover than the real thing... i would so like to say this is because it reflects about the attitude of the people in the top management in turn the attitude of the entire company... i mean what is it in the end? at max a team of 3 people looking up arbit stuff to put on the bottles and coming up with a way to ensure that 2 texts get distributed in far awya areas... and frankly i havent even had enough smoothies to be sure they havent ever repeated a free text... if i think about it its nothing... but it is fun to read it and i am not thinking about it... so yes.. i dont buy this smoothie for the taste or the real fruit or the health reasons... more thann anything i buy this smoothie for the packaging it comes in... it's a standard pack... its interesting and its a bonus that it tastes great (atleast to me) and is made from real fruit (yes i believe them when they say it... otherwise i can tell their moms )!!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

charkha

ve maahiyaa tere vekhan nu....
chuk charkha gali de wich daawaan...
we lokaan bhavein main katdi... tand teriaan yaadaan de paawaan....

oh its a good song... i was listening to it today and reminded me of the time when my mom asked her mom for her charkha.. grand mom was more than happy to give it to her... Mom wanted it for the drawing room... grand mom, from the expression on her face, looked at it in a very different way... when we took it out and were cleaning it... we stopped at cleaning it... she went a step ahead and checked all the parts were in order... put the ones that weren't in order in order... then all of us tried our hand at it... trying to get a thread from cotton... despite her fraility she was still better at it than any of us... she started talking about the time she used to use it on a regular basis.... u could see it in her face... may be a time she missed... i guess a happier time... i am not sure... when she was young... she said we would all sit together and the "kookar" from the charkha was LOUD... and we would talk louder to be heard...
she was happy just talking about those days... her face had lighted up... like i have seldom seen in the near past... its a pity... the charkha... i think it took her to her days...

if she had heard this song in her youth i am sure it would have meant much more to her than it does to me... its a beautiful song... i understand it... but i cant feel it... when i tried my hand at the charkha all i could get was a 4 inch uneven thread after some 20 tries... when she told me how to do it... she got a 15inch thread in less than a minute... and she is frail! i can never feel the song... i wouldn't never know what it is to hear someone's voice in the "charkhe ki kookar".. in the tap of the keys yes may be... ( definitely ;-) ) but lets just face it... it doesnt even sound half as romantic... we maahiyaa tere vekhan nu.. chuk laptop gali de vich daah liya!!! ouch... its so bad it hurts... and i dont even know how to spin the charkha!!

the charkha a happy reality for my grand ma... a way to liberate people for Gandhi.... something that looks good in the drawing room for my mom... and to me it's just something that makes for good songs....

I wonder what will get that shine on my face and that look in my eyes when/if i am as old as my grand mom is today... will it be tapping on the key board... may be a key board that i dont throw away and keeps lying in the attic for the next 50 years when no one uses real key boards... only virtual ones... and my daughter asks for one to keep in her drawing room..... thats not a good scene... naa... i need a new fantasy.... may be i shall learn how to work on the charkha just to have this memory 50 years later..... she was happy talking about it... i thought it is only in songs where they talked about singing while working on the charkha and having fun... come on its work after all... but when my naani talked about it, it sounded like it was fun... she said we would say... "chal kudiya susta lae... chakla chhad charkha daah lae"... she talked about her friends (that i dont know of... i mean she has relatives and grand kids and kids and everything... but friends!! come on!!!) and may be she was thinking of her crushes.... her youth... a time when she was young and the world had all possibilities...... she knows what the charkhe ki kookar really sounds like... she says in summers it would be quiet in the afternoon... everyone would be asleep... even the birds... all you could hear was the charkhe di kookar and the girls talking sometimes singin... and may be some respected "buzurg" saying kudiyo chup karjo... and they just giggled... its a happy picture... even though i havent been a part it i know it is one... an innocent picture... a happy picture....
all those memories... all these pictures... just something to put in the drawing room... just something to make a song sound nicer.....

ve Charkhe di kookar de ohle...
Charkhe di kookar de ohle... yaad teri daa toomba bole...
yaad teri daa toomba bole...
ve nimma nimma geet chhed ke tand katdi hulaare khaawaan....

ve maahiyaa tere vekhan nu.....

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

darr lagta hai khud se kehne mein jee!!

Every now and then I hear my colleagues/their wives talk about buying a car... we are all expats in this country and till now none of us has one... its getting too cold here... having a car would be just convenient.... someone always mentions buying a car when we are staanding at the bus stop in bone chilling weather... somehow i never felt the need of a car... naa... the public transport is good convenient... never felt the need... dont even miss driving that much, which i used to love back home...
vishal Bhardwaj is producing Ishqiya, and as is always true with his movies the songs are amazing... i heard dil to bacha hai the other day and fell in love with it... when i fall in love with a song i usually buy the cd as soon as it is released... then on my way to/from office i play it full blast in my car and sing along in a loop... i fell in love with a song again today... dil to bacha hai jee... its hindi so cant buy the cd here... i was hearing it on youtube in a loop... on my way to office.... i couldnt sing along... i just "mummed" along... and that is when i wanted a car... my capsule in this haphazard world... i gave buying a car a thought... so that i can sing... along to a song i dont really know the lyrics of....