the happy 'lights' and the sad 'lights'

I had gone home for a wedding (hence the long break) ... and the house was all decorated with 'lights' for the occasion... it was all so very festive.... just looking at the decoration made one feel happy and filled with festive spirit....
A few days later after the wedding... the bride gone to her 'new home' all relatives/friends gone to their respective homes and the same lights were now sad.... they didn't fill you with happiness anymore... they were more like a silent spectator to the "gloom" all around.... just there... not knowing what to do with their brightness... but knowing that it is not helping anyone anymore...

and looking at this I knew once more why people say the world is what you make it to be... aint it true... is the world not a good place to live in when one is in love... isn't their romance even in the 'sookhe hue phool' then... and aint even the brightest of blooms very saddening/un-noticeable when you are aching within.....
how it all depends on you and no one else.... still time and again we thank others and blame them too.... and really mean it.... when it is no one but really u responsible for everything that happens to you....
life is strange... but may be one day i will be able to solve the mystery that it is.... then again may be i don't really want to......

have you been sad?

have you ever been sad?? have you ever been so sad that it hurt... physically.... and then thought why do i give someone so much power over me that they can hurt me... this bad.... thought and thought and thought and not come up with an answer good enough.... try to make yourself immune to that someone but failed... and then wondered but why??? then you try and sort things out... but does it help?? no it doesnt because what you feel for them they never felt for you... and you can do everything in this world but force feelings... you cant force feelings you have for someone and you cant force feelings someone has for you.....
what are you left with??? a hangover??? a head ache??? a few tears and the cab driver asking you the directions....
you know the directions you tell him but even his "maam left now?" is a disturbance... you want the cab drive never to end..... but it ends... you come back home.,... tears still falling down your cheeks.... did the driver see those... even if he did it doesnt matter.... does it... its not my country after all..... these are not my people after all.... but if these are not your people how could someone hurt you???/ how could someone hurt you this bad by just being themselves.... do you think they wanted to hurt you??? you know the answer... they never wanted to hurt you... he doesn't even give you enough importance as to think of hurting you.... it hurts you even more.... you reach your room... you notice the maid has cleaned your room... you notice the bed is made the books are arranged the trash is no more thr the clothes are ironed.... you notice but you dont appreciate because you are hurting... and who do you have to blame... yourself.... you ask but why do i do this to myself.... you get no answer..... you thank your good sense/strength at having hidden your feelings from all those who shouldnt know... and you come to a world of the anonymous and pour on.....but does it help.... no it doesn't.... does anything help??? no nothing does... would you rather give away the pain and also what caused it ... no you wouldn't.... you smile... and carry on....

dard mein bhi yeh lab muskura jaate hain
beete lamhein hamein jab bhi yaad aate hain.......

Back after a break...

It's been quite some time since we last talked....

hehe i dont even know who the we are... i mean one part of the "we" is me... but there has to be another part for the "we" to be really "we" and not "me".. i dont know who/what that part is... but i think that aint all that important... is it??

back to what i wanted to say... i am working in a country other than my own... i like it here its pretty comfortable.... but i came with a view of staying here for an year... give or take a few months (few <= 4 months) seems like the Gods have decided to shower their blessings on me and i will be going home (my country) within an year of being here... just 2 weeks more than an year.... I was really happy when i was told this.....

but the other day while coming back from lunch i crossed this police station again... this particular police station is the most cheerful police stations i have seen (from the outside that is) it has red/green/blue/yellow windows.... if you dont know its a police station it looks like may be a theatre (not a movie theatre a 'stage' theatre).... when i didnt know it was a police station i wanted to visit that place... a few minutes later was the 'majestic' looking building... i think it is some kind of a court.... not sure though... but i think so..... whenever i cross that building i tell myself i have to come and visit it.... needless to say i havent really done that!
and that after lunch ride i said to myself may be this is the last time i am crossing it.... i wouldnt get a chance to see it... knowing me i know i wouldnt get down to doing it... its just a court after all.... but i felt something... something strange... something like i might miss this place...
i have never felt like a part of it... i have always felt like an 'insider outsider'... as in i am a part of it but i still aint... kind of i am not detached like a tourist would be... so i am an insider....but then i wouldnt be buying beds and TV here because i know i am going back.... so i am an outsider..... although this place is quite comfortable to live in... i never realised i love it in a way....
i think when i leave (which is not for another month and a half i think) i will definitely miss it....
miss taking the over crowded bus in the evening.... miss the daily lunch of subway sandwich....
miss the 'laa' in end of every sentence.... miss the very different English and accent...
so although i am happy i am going back i will still fee sad while leaving... because without me realising; this place did grow onto me... i did become a part of it.... and it did become a part of me...
i will definitely miss being a part of the country i was never a part of!