clear my head!

I love to do nothing at all... by nothing at all i don't mean nothing at all.. i mean i love to do nothing "consequential"... just bum around and think....

I look out of the window... it's all green everywhere right now... but there's that one odd leaf changing colour... the onset of autumn... the countryside will become pretty pretty pretty soon... so many different colours... the yellows the reds.... but this comes with that nip in the air... it's not cold yet... you can survive in a T shirt... but nonetheless you will be thankfull if you have a jacket handy... the sun's out today so that's a good thing.... soon it will be all barren... the mountains that are dense green today will be brown and barren and soon after that will be fully covered in snow..... i will not be here anymore to see them.... i will levae this city... this country... this beautiful country.... different but beautiful.....
leaving is funny... in a way how can you ever leave when you never belonged... but how can you not belong when you are leaving.... i didn't think I belonged here... i spent time here... but i didn't belong here... but now that i am leaving it makes me wonder did i, in a way belong here? what is it to belong to a place? or to someone for that matter? In a way i belong everywhere i have been and at the same time i belong no where... i belong to everyone i know at the same time to no one... how can one city be enough.... would i not always think of Geneva and miss it streets and it's "Bon Jour"s and "ca va?"s would I not be about to say "Tres Bien" when i see/feel something so near to perfect and not say it because i don't want to sound pretentious! and the sad part is i will forget this soon... may be a few days/weeks/months...... but i will forget for sure.... memory... it plays weird tricks...
Sometimes i feel my memory my mind messes with me more than anything/anyone else.... it's my mind that makes me value what i dont have more than anything else... and may be to not pay that much attention to what i already have.... it's my memories that make the past more glorious than it really was.... it's my mind that asks me "what if?" so very often... a "what if" that i can't answer... and then it makes it even more complicated with the "why not?" I used to think that "why not" is never a good reason... after all it is a not!.. but now i think why not? !!
is it only me... or does everyone have a mind which is their own enemy? i mean its "a beautiful mind" all right... but it does love playing it's own game of messing up with you... after all you are the only one it can mess with!!